Ten years ago my father passed away. Before his passing, despite not ever needing or wanting for ANYTHING I grew up "depressed". I was in a CONSTANT state of sadness, self-loathing, and was clinically diagnosed "manic depressive" (before they started calling it bipolar). I was medicated for a while, but in true Chloe fashion I wasn't going to stay on any medications that long....so my dad dies- in that moment of holding his hand as he transitioned, I fucked around and FOUND OUT what true sadness really meant. Me being overweight, diabetic, lacking higher education, broke, fighting battles with substance abuse, and dealing with a dysfunctional relationship were NOTHING in comparison to watching my dad leave this earth. He was my world- He was gone. THIS was sadness. After his death I was LOST and began studying Buddhism. I found myself at a monastery where my now husband and I took classes. We learned how to meditate and practice mindfulness. We were introduced to concepts on how we are all connected, karma, suffering, enlightenment, and a plethora of other ideologies. Little did I know that a decade later these teachings would be the catalyst and foundation for me finding myself and being able to walk as one with my spirit. I now know my dad died for me. If I saw that man as a God before- I now understand the symbolism of him dying for me- My father died for my own salvation- the day he died was the day my spirit let me know she was with me..... now on to how she became a PART of me...
My mom passed roughly 6/7 years after my dad...
and I found myself an orphan- with no siblings. Despite my daughter and
husband I felt alone. I sought ways to become more in touch with my own
spirit, but now I knew how to find her. She led me to a friend that
ultimately led me to Chief Nighthawk and his beautiful partner Ana- I can write
an entire book on this experience, but I'll keep it brief- they were divine.
I partook in an ayahuasca ceremony, and it was there that I was reunited with
my paternal grandmother who ushered me to my spirit guides and ultimately
reunited me with both my parents- it was the MOST cerebral, mind-blowing
experience of my life! Again I can write a whole book on this experience
alone.... it was here that I learned to hear my mother’s voice in the other
world- it was here I met her spirit outside the flesh, and it was so BEAUTIFUL
and happy. I got to see my mother’s joy for the first time.
One year after my mother passed, my
"son" died. Now...my son is not my birth son- he was my mother’s foster
son who I was supposed to adopt. Long sad story short, I was not able to
adopt him- he and I were reunited when he was 18 and he came to live with me- 2
years before he passed. He never knew that there were times I wanted to
die...but I remembered that one day he’d look for me, and I needed to be
there. This saved me from hurting myself....so many tear filled nights,
the thought of not being there for him kept me.... he always told me he was
going to look out for me 'you know I got you'...
So....this is the beginning of my pilgrimage
back home- how I was able to connect with my ancestors, how I was able to hear
them, feel them, experience them. On this journey I give thanks to my
dad, mom, and MY Ricky- I understand that death is not final, I understand that
life 'cycles' and spirits are forever. My soul is at peace with this and
death is no longer this peril that's waiting to pluck anyone out of this life
cycle. Death is beautiful, necessary.... I left America incomplete- I left
MOTHER Africa whole.
It is my mission to live in the present- it is
my goal to return HOME to finish out this life cycle. America is not my
home, I do not belong here...my flesh does not desire it and neither does my
spirit-but I've been walking in my flesh for 43 years, so it’s going to take
time and planning- but I'm going back...in this flesh...in this spirit to LIVE
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